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  • Writer's picturer2mahesh

when the other shoe drops. am i using that right

oftentimes, change feels so unfathomable that i lack the ability to consider it reflexively. sometimes i wish i pre-empted the process a little more, to avoid the confusion of sitting with feelings that have rushed to catch up after the rest of my body has stopped moving. right now, typing from my aunt's house having finally escaped my college town, i mean that somewhat literally.

I woke up yesterday morning writhing in bed thinking about my future. No longer living in my college apartment, I am left without the safe haven of a limbo period. As much as that reality was torturous in its own way (it felt like pure stagnation at the time,) it doesn't quite compare to now, where the only option available is intentional steps forward. And I'm kind of sick of being "intentional" these days.

I think I've said on this blog before that I struggle between wanting to detach from my goals or cling to them greatly. Achieve my life's purpose or recognize purpose as obsolete. I envy those who can cling to the safety of organized religion, or secure career path, or build motivation towards building a home. I struggle with committing to what I perceive as confinement of any sort, but lately I've been wondering if the preoccupation with "freedom" really even is "freeing." So much life advice seems to center around finding or creating structure. But why does that feel like such a concession to limitation?

I realize these are normal questions to have at 22 years old. The reason it's on my mind is because lately I feel my priorities shifting. I understand choosing stability more and more. Right now at my aunt's house, I sit with my two 7 year old cousins as they pick what days to buy lunch, and talk about the boys in their second grade classroom that get in trouble a lot. They never get in trouble, apparently. I probably relate more to the kids in their stories than to my cousins, but nevertheless, I love to listen. They remind me that life never really stops being challenging. They're challenged by reading and the monkey bars, their parents challenged by parenting and I, challenged at the moment by a cross country move and the existentialism that follows.

but wait... what's that sound... starting off in the distance... could it be??? IT IS !!!!!!


THA SCRAMBAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

state that im in both emotionally and physically:


thing my eye doctor told me i have that idk if i actually have:


send the answers to @rishipuff on twitter or insta to be featured in the next scramble!


MARCOS "i will not be late this time" RIOS.... how right you were, dude

VALEN-MARIE "first female host of blues clues" SANTOS.... i would be ur blue

YAMINI "driving to therapy" NAMBIMADOM ... how do you keep getting these so quick im impressed


RIKA... i do not know your last name all your social media just says "official"

but you were close!


I wonder if the grinding my gears are getting is because of the abundance of choice. I don't know if my parents ever cared that much about their "purpose." I know a lot of people who seem to be satisfied living to meet their needs, instead of entertaining each and every loose desire. I don't ultimately know which way I'll end up leaning, how large my steps forward will be or what pace they will come at. For now, I am hanging out with my 7 year old cousins, taking perspective from the people who see me from four feet tall.

Thanks for reading this stuff

By your friend,



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